Samanthas 私の夢は君に愛されることです。

⚜ My dream is to be loved by you. ⚜

My name is Samantha, a 20 year old college student.

This is my new blog dedicated to thoughts and events that I just felt like writing about. Maybe even writings, posting photos or artwork. For those who are interested, I'll be writing a blog for while I'm in Japan. Though these entries are more professional since my university is listing it under their international blog page. Just click Japan underneath the picture on the left for that blog, more personal posts will be posted here.

Abbey ⚜ BreeAnna ⚜ Christine ⚜ Resha ⚜ Robert

Dream ⚜ Japan

I've finally finished unpacking, the only thing left to do really is do laundry. Except the washer is broken.

*le sigh* I'll just have to deal with it tomorrow but at least I'll see Nicole for the first time for a good half a year.

I'm home from Japan. It's been a week since I've returned, and I've almost forgotten this specific feeling of loneliness. To know that there is no one around here to hang out with, no friends in this city.

It's been more than a month since the two girls I've become extremely close friends with had went home, and I've been contacting them almost everyday. But lately because they're together again so I haven't seen them online. I could always text them, but I probably won't get a message back until late. Not that I'm happy that they are back together and hanging out with each other because they are soul mates, but... it's lonely. I also feel like I would be annoying them with the constant texts.

The differences this time is that I have both Taran and Carwyn. Well, Taran has always been around but now I'm actually aware with it. But, it's also not quite the same.

It's been a long time since I've felt this, but I'll endure it like always.
How can I even put these feelings into words. I hate feeling so restricted... I want to meet people, I want to talk to people. I'm a libra, I'm a social person. I may be shy and not very forth coming with people I don't know but I'm still talking to people. Not being about to talk and meet people is so frustrating...

I just can't stop these tears...
I feel so anxious today ever since I woke up and I have no idea why I feel like this. There's absolutely nothing I should feel anxious about; all I am doing today is watching Julie's double dutch practice, do homework and possibly get my alien registration card.

I just don't understand... maybe something is trying to tell me that something's going to happen today.
I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless.


I'm not that strong person I want to be, who I need to be. Not this weak, worthless person that I'm currently am.
First off, seriously I feel like a slob around all these Japanese girls. Unless you're doing a sport, you dress up. Heels, skirts/dresses, make-up, cute accessories, everything. And fashion here is amazing; the color palette of the clothes are specifically chosen to match the season. Currently new clothes are coming in and right now they're selling maroon red, tans, creamy whites, ash grey, and light navy blue type of clothes. The type of clothes too are just not my style which makes it difficult for me to shop (other than clothes being super expensive).

I did not bring enough clothes and now it's super hard to find something for me to get. I might just go online shopping to get some clothes because it might be my only option.



Speaking of fashion, when I'm around these girls I feel like I know my type of fashion a little more. I've been thinking lately, "I feel like I'm an island girl." I wear the beads and braided bracelets, I enjoy the flowing clothes as well as flipflops and tank tops. But that could be classified as hippie too. I think I'm just yearning to go back to Jamaica since I know my cousin is getting married there next year.


Japanese is frustrating me. I wish I was learning more at a faster rate. My literacy Japanese class is spoken all in Japanese and I feel like five year old learning how to read for the first time. I don't know enough kanji to read and I had to read outloud in my last class. It was so embarrassing and frustrating that I kept stopping because I was frozen on the kanji I didn't know. I'm just going to have to work extra hard, but I'm also afraid of burning myself out. Though, I did have part of my dram last night in Japanese, it wasn't much but it was definitely Japanese.
And Julie is all ready starting to annoy me about boys.

Yes I agree that there are a lot of attractive Japanese men that we have been seeing. But just because I agree that they are cute doesn't mean I want to have sex with all of them. Seriously is that all you think about? And pushing me to make friends and not yourself isn't helping.

That soccer boy we saw on the field. It wasn't because you wanted me to have "soccer friends" it was so you could benefit out of it. You thought he was cute, not me. You speak better Japanese than I do, how about you go talk to him. I was perfectly fine watching the break dancer who was practicing and his performance not the soccer guy's abs that you managed to see.

I'm sorry that I'm not going all boy crazy like you are. But seriously you need to stop trying to push me and use me. Cause I'm not going to let you ruin my time here.

Just a simple update ⚜ I haven't felt this in a while ⚜ How can I even put these feelings into words. I ha... ⚜ Today. ⚜ I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm w... ⚜ So many different thoughts. ⚜ It's only been a week... ⚜ The Japanese girls here are all so cute and I just... ⚜ One Last Meeting. ⚜ Hyo Ju-ah, ⚜ July 2011 ⚜ August 2011 ⚜ September 2011 ⚜ October 2011 ⚜ August 2012 ⚜ Coded by wickedicy banner from Reviviscent.